The Day My Life Changed Forever


 

It was Saturday, May 23 2009, and a long weekend due to the Memorial Day holiday. The day was bright and sunny with the promise of summer on the horizon. We were up early bustling around the apartment getting ready to head to a friend's house for a cookout when the phone rang. Fonzy answered it thinking it was my oldest son, Samuel calling to collect for the bet he had won. They had been on the phone the night before betting on the Lakers basketball game and Samuel had won the bet. We figured he was calling to gloat and collect his winnings. I was in the bedroom when Fonzy walked in, phone in hand with a strange look on his face. He handed me the phone and I hesitantly said “hello?” It was my second son, Manuel, on the phone crying.


“Mom, Samuel is gone. He was shot and killed”


My legs gave out on me and I dropped to the floor screaming! Fonzy rushed to my side and my world went dark. 


So much of the day is gone from me. I can recall our minister came by and prayed for us. Prayed for my broken heart, the excruciating pain and all I wanted to do was scream and ask God why! WHY!!!

Plans were made to get on the road for the 20+ hours drive to Texas. I was on autopilot, but not really there. One of the men from our church offered to drive us half way to Texas. He’d get us to Birmingham, Alabama then we would drop him off at the airport and he would get a flight back to Raleigh. I was so grateful for him because I was in no condition to help Fonzy drive. I was barely functioning. About 4pm, Fonzy, our boys Ezekiel (9yrs) and Elijah (7yrs) piled into the SUV, picked up Lew and got on the highway for the long drive to Texas. 

In the backseat with the boys, my head against the window, I watched the landscape flash by with tears streaming down my cheeks. We’ve taken this drive many times and it was always filled with excitement, loud singing and plenty of laughter. We loved road trips, but this one was like no other. The boys were quiet, not sure what to feel or how to act. No music was playing, just the sound of cars whizzing by and the hushed chatter of Fonzy and Lew as the sun set on the worst day of my life.


I slipped in and out of sleep, trying to escape the pain and screaming inside my head. Every so often Fonzy would glance back worriedly, checking if I were ok. His sadness and concern was palpable. Several hours into the drive, Fonzy turned and handed me his phone. He had found a news article online about Samuels death. Looking at the phone, Samuel’s eyes were staring up at me. The article had posted his driver's license picture. Tears streamed down my face as I saw the picture of my first born baby, along with the words, “shot and killed” The screaming inside grew louder and louder. 


We arrive in Birmingham around 2am and drop Lew off at the airport with hugs and so much gratitude. I climbed in the front seat, numb, raw, willing myself to go to sleep, but sleep eluded me. The 20+ hour drive seemed to take 20 years, but we finally made it to Abilene by mid afternoon the next day and checked into a hotel. I sat on one of the beds and felt like I couldn’t move. The lack of sleep, and long drive was taking its toll and I just wanted to crawl under the blankets and shut the world out, to stop the screaming in my head, “Samuel’s dead, Samuel’s dead.”

 

An hour could have gone by, a day, a week, years, I don’t know. Time meant nothing anymore. Only pain. However much time went by, it was time to head to the funeral home. On the drive to the funeral home, I felt sick, I wanted to vomit. I wanted to run as fast and as far away as I could. To run back in time to May 22 and warn Samuel. To tell him to stay home, don't ever leave the house! But I was glued to the passenger seat, hyperventilating, heart beating out my chest, my stomach in knots. We pull up to the funeral home, an odd shaped beige brick building with a gnarly tree in front. Fonzy and I sat in the truck for a bit, to gather strength we didn’t have. I tried to slow my breathing down to no avail. I thought for sure I’d pass out before we even left the vehicle. Tears in my eyes, I look at Fonzy and tell him let’s go. 

Hand in hand, Fonzy and I crossed the parking lot to the funeral home. I gripped his hand tightly, trying to pull his strength into my body. As we entered the funeral home, a cold blast of air engulfed me. I felt myself shivering, but didn’t know if it was from the air conditioner or from the horror that awaited me. The funeral director greeted us in a soft, comforting voice and Fonzy told him we were there to see Samuel. The director nodded and headed towards the back. Fonzy stepped to follow, but I pulled him back. I couldn’t do it. Not yet. If I didn’t walk down that long corridor, if I didn’t see the body, Samuel would still be alive. I believed that with all my heart. If I didn’t see him, it wasn’t real! Fonzy held me, giving me a moment to muster up any courage and strength I could and led me down the dimly lit corridor to the room that held my baby boy.

We walked into the room, and it was so cold. There on a table, covered with a white sheet lay my Samuel. Fonzy had his arm around my shoulders and I started sobbing. It was real. I made it real! I should have never come here. 


“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! It’s just a nightmare!” I screamed over and over again in my head. 

I’m not sure how I found the strength, but I walked up to my baby and rubbed his check. Flashes of his childhood, his voice, his laughter, his smile engulfed me. Tears streaming down my face, I rubbed his cheek and noticed a little peach fuzz growing. I caressed his chin, and the soft fuzz. That was my first time ever seeing him with hair on his face. That little peach fuzz broke me to pieces. The grief consumed my whole being, my heart broke and I would never be the same. My beautiful little baby, on the cusp of being a man, was gone. 

Comments

  1. Great writing. Literally crying RIGHT now as I read this. Have to wipe my tears but definitely something so tragic that no parents should ever have to deal with!!!!
    Great job and love you.
    Your sister KB.

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  2. This was written so vividly. I remember your baby Samuel. Just reading, this right now, has put me in an emotional state. Love you friend and I cannot wait to see what else you write.

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